ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Shoo shoo! 😂