This sounds bad:
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*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’m good, thanks.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.