[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.