[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You Might Also Like
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Stick it to the man