I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it