I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
😩😩😩
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?