*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
…żyje?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”