Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*