I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind