It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it