Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
You Might Also Like
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Worlds greatest photobomb
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”