ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.