Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
absolute chaos
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?