Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….