A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
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If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
lost dog
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.