when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.