[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.