Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Morning.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.