I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
#oldknees
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.