Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day