hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
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Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please