[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
You Might Also Like
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub