just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor