Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11