If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high