Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters