HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.