So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
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One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.