You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.