Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
You Might Also Like
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir