CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
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[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
crazy
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..