Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
You Might Also Like
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”