The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
You Might Also Like
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Hotels are back
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool