You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Does it…does it take 3 days
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“you recording!?”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: