[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight