The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”