I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.