2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.