HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
what’s more important?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that