A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
You Might Also Like
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Lmfaoooooo
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it