If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
This kid will have a bright future.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.