People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.