If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably