no regrets
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
shampoo implies shampee