My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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Bike for sale
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball