Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling