i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
You Might Also Like
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Oh thanks BBC.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
stop
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Britain be like
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.