*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
You Might Also Like
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Wait for it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters