Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
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Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
just leave it at the foot of the bed
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.