Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.